8 Sep
spaghetti 1 can tomàquet triturat 1 can tomàquet trossejat ground meat onions garlic green peppers olive oil red wine brown sugar salt oregano etc. 1. Sit on your ass with a Voll-Damm and the new Harper’s while your boyfriend makes the Bolognese sauce. 2. Get up to add the spaghetti when he calls [...]
1. Your rabbit may be purchased from one of the remaining animal stands on the Rambla dels Estudis. Salt can also be obtained on the Rambles or in Plaça Reial late at night—ask around. Half gram, €30 and a nimble frisking.
2. The Phoenicians mistook the rabbits they saw in Spain for hyraxes, deciding to call Spain I-Shapan-im or land of the hyraxes. This became the Latin Hispania.
3. I, too, have often been mistaken or misled or confused.
4. But we find solace where we can.
5. Grasp the bunny firmly by hind legs and head and pull the head back with a hard, sharp jerk.
6. Cut off the head.
7. Hang the remains upside down by one haunch over your sink from an Ikea hook to let the blood drain out.
8. Remove the forefeet.
9. Cut the skin around the rabbit’s hind ankles and then make a cut between these points across the lower part of the body. Remove the tail and peel the skin down and forward over the body. You are both dressing and undressing the rabbit and isn’t that neat.
10. Insert the knife blade by the throat and unzip the rabbit to its anus.
11. Reach into the body cavity, grasp at the windpipe and lungs, and pull out and down.
12. Holding the viscera, shake your tiny fists at the sky.
13. Bathe your rabbit thoroughly and pat it dry.
14. Remove the liver and the kidneys and the heart. Give the heart to your cats.
15. Detach the stumps of the front and hind legs, bone them and cube the meat.
16. Put the bacon, ground pork, botifarra, liver and kidneys into a food processor or chop them all up together.
17. Then put in the leg meat cubes and mix them in, more or less.
18. Salt and pepper. Taste.
19. Preheat the oven to 8.
20. Mix the onion, garlic, bay leaf and thyme in about 4 tablespoons of olive oil.
21. Rub the rabbit down with oil, inside and out, and stuff it with meat goo. You take things out, you put them back in again.
22. Put this in a large pan in the position that would have been face up with the onion mixture and pour Don Simon on it.
23. Roast it for 20 minutes, then turn it over and keep roasting for 45-55 minutes until clear juices seep out.
24. Put the rabbit on a platter and pour what’s in the pan through a sieve into a frying pan and heat it on medium low until it’s halved. Pour it on the rabbit.
25. Put on some lipstick.
26. Eat alone.
Serves you
Originally published in BCN Week, issue 47, June 14-17, 2007
1. Dial 6675#####
2. “Buzón Orange. Por favor, grabe su mensaje después de la señal.”
3. Leave a message.
4. Finely chop the spring onions.
5. Sauté the bacon and onions in some olive oil.
6. Slice one of the botifarra into thick coins.
7. Dial 6675##### again.
8. “Buzón Orange. Por favor, grabe su mensaje después de la señal.”
9. Leave a new message.
10. Add the sliced botifarra and habas and continue sautéeing for 2 or 3 minutes.
11. Add the Anís del Mono, bay leaf, mint, sugar, and the whole botifarra.
12. Salt to taste.
13. Stir well.
14. Add enough water to barely cover the habas, baby.
15. Cover and bring to a boil.
16. Dial 6675##### again.
17. “Buzón Orange. Por favor, grabe su mensaje después de la señal.”
18. Hang up.
19. Send a text message.
20. Cook until the beans are a sickly grayish-green color.
21. Answer your phone when it rings. Say, “Digui?”
22. “Què vols?”
23. “What are you doing?”
24. “Sóc a casa.”
25. “Oh.”
26. “Res més?”
27. “Per què no vens a casa?”
28. “Tinc coses a fer.”
29. “Estic fent alguna cosa per sopar.”
30. “He dinat tard; no tinc gana.”
31. “Val, però podriem mirar una peli o anar a fer unes birres.”
32. “He fet una migdiada massa llarga i estic de mala lluna.”
33. Long pause.
34. Pause continues.
35. “I miss you, baby.”
36. “Tja, ho sé. Ja ho sé.”
37. “I do.”
38. “Va, un petó.”
39. “Baby…”
40. “M’estàs agobiant.”
41. “I don’t want to agobiate you. I just want you to come home.”
42. “Ja parlarem un altre dia.”
43. “I love you.”
44. “Gràcies.”
45. Remove the whole botifarra and cut it up. Throw it in the trash.
46. Spoon the rest of the botifarra out of the pan into the trash.
47. Botifarra negre is nasty.
1. Sit on your ass with a Voll-Damm and the new Harper’s while your boyfriend makes the Bolognese sauce.
2. Get up to add the spaghetti when he calls and tells you the water is boiling.
3. “How come I always have to cook the spaghetti? I thought you were making me a romantic meal and I didn’t have to do anything.” Add salt to the water.
4. “Per que tens més bon ull per afegir-hi la quantitat adequada.”
5. Shrug. Open the Chimay tin where you keep your pasta products and pull out the spaghetti. “EEEE. Fuck. There’s a bunch of bugs in here. Mira.”
6. Grip the bag of spaghetti tightly when he tries to wrench it from you and begin adding it to the boiling salted water.
7. “QUÈ FAS?!?”
8. “It’s ok baby. They’ll float to the top and I can spoon them out.”
9. Spoon out weevils when they float to the top.
10. When your boyfriend sulls up and storms off to get his shoes, count to 5 and then follow, asking him where he’s going and what’s wrong.
11. “Em fas fàstic. No menjaré això.”
12. Kiss him. Tell him you will make him some macaroni.
Originally published in BCN Week, issue 14, September 8-14 2006
1. It’s hot. Try drinking the whiskey with ice to be different. Pour yourself a nice big glass and sit down for a few minutes. Rest, let your thoughts wander. If you need to cry, cry. If you are angry, break something, however small. Then breathe. Breathe.
2. Ponder your hunger and an unwell, enfeebled tomorrow if you keep drinking on an empty stomach. Remember this morning? You should eat something.
3. Get up and walk to the fridge. Look inside for something that’s not going to take much effort. Begin to feel yet more dejected. “I don’t want to leave the piso. At all,” you think. “Besides, all that’s open is H3.” Don’t worry, hey! There’s two little containers of spreadable! Olives! And the supernatural bread that never molds!
4. Spread sobrassada on one slice of bread and cream cheese on another. Cut your olives into rings and spread them evenly but generously on the cream cheese side. Press together.
5. Light your stove and set it to low. Put a pan on it. Refresh your drink while you wait for the pan to heat.
6. Butter the outside of the sandwich.
7. Gently place your sandwich in the pan. Let it toast on one side for a minute or two and flip it. Repeat if necessary. You want the bread golden and crispy and the innards melty and gooey.
8. Remember to turn off the stove.
*Kosher for despondency
Originally published in BCN Week, issue 12, August 18-30 2006
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